Nobody Saw It Coming
by LiteralBlue
Summary: AKA It Was Always Gonna Happen. Rei, short, spikeyhaired and evilcrazy. Tei, tall, blonde and crazyevil. Well, it was always that way. But they weren't always in the Akatsuki! Pure humor, OCs, Akatsuki, Suna and Konoha, missing shoes and bored senseis!
1. Chapter 1

A/N Not much happens in this chapter, but trust me, the canon charachters from Konoha are _everywhere_ in this ficYou like? Then also check out Kisame's Devious Plan, Sweet Angels, Why Bathroom Doors are best kept locked (all by moi) and also Insanity is a Birth Defect, and Leader's Towel (by my sister Astarael's Get). Me and my sister write the same charachters and devise story ideas together; we also almost always write the Akatsuki. I don't own Naruto but I own Rei, my sister owns Tei and we joint-own Anno and Rimu (who isn't even in this chapter). As a warning, nothing written by me or my sister will ever be remotely serious. There _will_ be Akatsuki in later chapters.

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Miyako Reikisha was in a conundrum. She couldn't decide which choker to wear. Oh, to the untrained eye, all twelve of them looked exactly the same, but then, Rei's eyes were well-trained. So well trained, in fact, that this was to be her first day as a shinobi. She couldn't go to meet her new sensei in a second-rate choker.

Five years had passed since her joining the ninja academy, and she had changed somewhat; her hair and eyes were purple, her hair was parted at the side, bangs sweeping over part of her face, the rest up in a spiky do fastened by a metal clip featuring a squiggly design. She now wore earrings, and more purple eyeshadow than her parents approved of. She was no longer tall for her age; in fact, she was rather short. For several months she had tried to hide this fact with high-heeled shoes, but after two twisted ankles and a sprained wrist, she had finally given over to shortness.

With a sigh she picked out a choker and fastened it around her neck; it featured what she considered to be her trademark, a yellow smiley face, on a broad black ribbon.

* * *

Elsewhere in Konoha, Suzuka Telaki decided that the incessant beeping of her alarm clock that had been going on for the past half-hour was beginning to annoy her. She rolled out of bed, and I mean literally. Something went _squelch _as she hit the floor.

Tei, too, had changed somewhat in five years. She was taller now (at least, taller that Rei, which was very easy), and had grown her hair. She had decided it wasn't worth the time or effort to undress the night before, so she already wore her shinobi gear; all that remained was to brush out her long blonde hair. This done, she inspected herself in the mirror as she put on the sole modification in her outfit, a purple cap on which there was a steel plate showing a picture of a leaf. It was, as she had said, proof of her ninja-ness. She grinned at her reflection, then turned to the deadly wasteland that was her bedroom, and set out to find her shoes.

* * *

Damiyo Anno, meanwhile, was panicking. He could not find his left shoe, which, considering the almost painful immaculacy of his bedroom, one would think impossible. Evidently it wasn't. His grandma would kill him for losing it.

Anno was what a less kind person would call a loser; a kind person would probably tell you that unkind people would call him a loser. He wore ridiculously neat clothing, kept his room sparklingly neat, didn't have a single games console or DVD player in his house, and lived with his fearsomely strict grandma, whose every wish he would obey without question (except "kill Miyako Reiko", because even the old lady's wrath wasn't quite enough to make him kill his best friend's grandmother). He also cut his own hair, which resulted in the back of his head bearing a strong resemblance to a damp, disgruntled and windswept hedgehog; his eyes were green and watery as the ocean, or really old milk.

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Elsewhere in Konoha, Tei seemed to have acquired two left shoes.

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A/N Yes, I know practically nothing happens in this chapter, but it's an intro at least. It follows on from Astarael's Get's _Insanity is a birth defect_ and is followed by _My God, It's a Human_. I promise you, the next chapter will be longer! Please, bear with me! Oh, and check out my profile for info on the next chapter! Peace, out. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Sorry it took so long… sis, the only one who has reviewed. Up ahead, the hunt for Anno's shoe, and a Nara cameo! Also some Kiba! And where there's Kiba, there's Akamaru! Next chapter… prepare for some Uchiha!

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"Rei?"

"Tei?"

"Rei!"

"Tei!"

"Rei."

"Tei."

"Shinji!" Rei's father broke in, wearing his irritating grin. Rei's father was an accountant, and her mother taught math at a boring, non-ninja school. Both had wanted their only child to follow in their footsteps, but Reiko, Reikisha's grandmother and the last ninja of the family, had informed her son, in no uncertain terms, that if the girl wanted to be a ninja, then damn it, she was going to be a ninja. Reiko had then seen to it that Rei never even considered the possibility of _not_ being a ninja.

"…Shut up, dad." Rei growled. "We're going to get Anno."

"Good luck, honey!" Rei's mother cooed from the kitchen.

"Remember, Reikisha, don't stab someone if you can smash their skulls, it's cleaner." Reiko shouted down the stairs. "And if Anno gets taken hostage, let him die!"

"Bye, grandma!" Rei shouted, shoving a slice of toast in her mouth and dragging Tei out of the house. "I hate my family so much…" Rei's mother had followed her out onto the street, calling after her.

"Be sure to wear clean underwear every day, Reikisha-kun! And try not to get killed! And protect the life of any hostage even if it's Anno! And keep your kunai clean! And send postcards every day! I love you!"

"Fall down a hole, mom." Rei grumbled.

"It's okay," said Tei comfortingly, "I drink to forget my family."

"You drink for any reason."

"It _started_ with wanting to forget my family." Which was true. Tei was permanently drunk; where an eleven-year-old girl could find enough alcohol that she was _never_ sober, nobody knew but Tei, and Tei couldn't remember because she was drunk. Rei grabbed a passer-by's arm, and nearly broke his wrist twisting it to see his watch.

"We've got an hour to round up Anno and go meet with the new sensei." She said, dropping the terrified man. Said man's wife was screaming at them, so they simultaneously broke into a run, not stopping until they were crossing a park, and Tei tripped over something which, on inspection, turned out to be a boy, a few years younger than themselves, laying on his back staring at the clouds. Tei wanted to poke him with a stick, but Rei convinced her that they had things to do, and he would probably still be there later, and you got better poking-sticks at the other end of town.

* * *

When they reached the Damiyo house, they did not go through the door, but climbed up the wall and tapped on Anno's window. Anno opened it, looking utterly terrified.

"What's the problem, hedgehog?" Rei asked, swinging into the room.

"I… I lost… I lost…"

"What?" Tei grabbed his shoulders and shook him roughly. "What did you lose? Your friends? Your comb? Your innocence?"

"Telaki-san!" Anno gasped.

"Anno never had any of those things!" Rei chided her friend.

Tei ignored them.

"Tell me!"

"I lost… my shoe." He said weekly.

"Your… shoe." Rei said slowly. "Your _shoe_. You were hyperventilating over a _shoe?_"

"Damiyo Anno, do you have a _girl_ in there?" His grandmother yelled, hammering on the door. Anno shrieked, grabbing Tei's arm for security.

"N-no, grandmother!" He called.

"Because if you do I'll tan your hide, boy!" The old woman added, before thundering off down the hall; for a retired kunoichi, Damiyo Anni made a lot of noise.

"So, anyway." Said Rei, her voice lowered somewhat. "What shoe was it?"

"My blue ninja sandal, the left one."

"The _left_ shoe?" Tei muttered, looking thoughtful. "I had two left shoes this morning! And one of them was just small enough for Anno's girlish feet. And it had his name written on it in Anni's writing." She laughed. "What a funny coincidence!"

"Telaki-san, I think you have my shoe."

"Shut up, Anno." Tei snapped. "I think I have your shoe, anyway."

"So let's go get it!" Rei announced loudly.

"DAMIYO ANNO!" His grandmother's fierce voice cut through the wooden door. "Either you have a girl in there or you are talking to yourself in a stupid, girly voice to make up for the fact that you have _no friends_!"

Tei and Anno caught Rei as she lunged for the door. "Stupid, girly voice! I'll show you stupid, girly voice, you old hag!" She growled, Anno's hand over her mouth muffling her voice, which was in fact neither stupid nor girly. Especially not girly.

"I was talking to myself, grandmother!" Anno yelled.

"Good." Anni snapped, and stomped off again.

"Let's go back to my place, then. For wrath, for glory, for Anno's shoe!" Tei announced.

* * *

To avoid the sheer horror of Tei's family, the three newly graduated genin scrambled in through her bedroom window; for many years, windows had been of more use than doors to the three friends… well, the two friends and the hanger-on hedgehog.

However, there are many war zones less chaotic than Tei's bedroom. She stood staring at the junk heap, completely unfazed. "Well, let's find it!" And she dived into the nearest pile of stuff, disappearing from view as she dug in search of Anno's shoe. Rei shrugged, and leapt into another pile, tossing strange objects over her shoulders as she dug. Anno stared for a while, then, resembling a dolphin, Tei surfaced from her pile and flew in a graceful arc, to disappear in another. Rei mimicked the action a few minutes later, and they continued in this fashion until the laughter of Tei's sister Kaoru interrupted them.

"You look so silly, Laki-muffin!" She giggled.

Rei's spiked purple hair popped out from under the bed. "We're looking for a shoe." She said. Kaoru looked thoughtful.

"Hmm… I think the kitty was playing with a shoe earlier. Blue ninja shoe? Could belong to a henpecked guy with girly feet?"

"That's the one! So where's the cat?"

"Took it and ran off. Could be anywhere. She's probably gone to the park, though…"

"Thank you!" Rei reached into another pile, extracted Tei, and shoved Anno out of the window. She was about to follow when Kaoru called after her.

"Rei-chan, there's something on your hair!" Rei slowly reached up into her hair, and sure enough, something was hooked on one of the amazingly solid spikes of her ponytail. It looked like it had been edible once, or possibly a sock. She carefully put it back on the floor by Tei's bed, wiped her hand on her trousers and jumped out of the window (as would many people who found something from Tei's room in their hair, with the exception that Rei wasn't trying to kill herself).

* * *

Upon reaching the park, Tei tripped over the same bored-looking boy as she had before. "Hey, what's your name?"

"Shikamaru."

"What are you doing?"

"Looking at the clouds." Tei glanced up at the clear sky.

"There are no clouds."

"That's what you think…" For a while Tei stared at the boy, unsure of what to make of him. She asked her typical 'friendship question':

"Do you like beer?"

"Alcohol is troublesome."

"Then you're not worth my time." Tei threw the boy a disgusted look, and skipped off to Rei, who was sat on the swings, having scared away the small children who were there before. Anno sat beside her, throwing guilty looks at the glaring mothers of said children. "We need to find kitty."

"I'll use my awesome ninja skills!" Rei said, rummaging in her backpack. Eventually she produced one of her latest projects; it was a doll of a cat, perfectly shaped, but with deliberately obvious seam lines and two Xs for eyes; it was made of a bright purple fabric with orange spirals. Rei plopped the doll down on the floor and performed a few hand seals. After a moment, the doll pulled itself shakily to its feet.

"Hello, Kitty-chan! Oh, you're so adorably _cute_!" Rei welcomed it to existence. Kitty-chan purred. "Kitty-chan, go and find Tei's kitty, good darling, do that for mommy!" After a moment's pause, Kitty-chan turned and trotted off in search of Tei's cat.

"If you control that doll with your jutsu, you don't have to talk to it, you know." Anno said.

"Shut up, Anno. It's _cute_!"

There were a few brief minutes of silence, then Rei screamed shrilly. "DOG!" Tei and Anno watched in interest as Kitty-chan was chased by a small white dog, which in turn was being chased by its owner, a spiky-haired boy yelling "Akamaru!". In desperation, Kitty-chan climbed a tree, fell out of the tree, and was caught and ripped to pieces, spilling purple fabric and white fluff everywhere.

But the chase had startled something that had been in the tree at the time… Tei's cat. And on its head, like a hat, was a shoe. A blue ninja-shoe.

"My shoe!" Anno cried, and gave chase. The cat, of course, ran off, but got a claw caught in the mesh of Shikamaru's shirt; Anno pounced, landing on the cat, and Shikamaru.

"PILE-ON!" Yelled Tei, and flung herself onto Anno's back. Rei shrugged, and joined the heap; Shikamaru groaned beneath the weight.

"Yow!" Rei shouted as an additional weight landed on her back; Akamaru yipped triumphantly. Anno tried at once to hold the cat, remove his shoe from its head without harming it, and support the weight of Tei, Rei and the dog, even as Shikamaru irritably tried to push him off. Somehow Anno managed to retrieve his footwear (sustaining multiple cat-wounds) before struggling to crawl away from the body-heap. Rei shoved the dog off herself and rolled away, Tei pushed herself to her feet, then stepped off Shikamaru, who finally got up.

"Your cat, Telaki-san." Anno said shakily, handing the cat over to her. He put the shoe on his foot (yes, he'd been wearing only one shoe this whole time). Rei went over to the shredded remains of her doll, poked them with her foot, returned, and promptly bonked Anno over the head.

"My doll got wrecked because of you!" She snapped. "Oh, Kitty-chan, your life was less than a minute long, brutally ended by a combination of cruel circumstance and Anno's foolishness, you were only scrap fabric in funky colours, but I loved you…" She bonked Anno again. "If you hadn't lost your shoe, Kitty-chan would never have been wrecked."

"But… Tei's the one who had my shoe! Why did she have my shoe?"

"Shut up, Anno. Tei, why _did_ you have Anno's shoe?" Tei looked slightly guilty.

"I dunno…" She paused, and then grabbed Anno by the front of his shirt, yelling. "Why the hell don't you keep your money in your shoe? It's standard loser practice, hedgehog! I had no money for beer, man, I was _relying_ on you!"

"…You stole Anno's shoe because you thought he kept money in it?"

"… Maybe."

"Did you get beer in the end?"

"Yup. I used one of my emergency kegs."

"Oh, good." Rei breathed a sigh of relief. It was probably a very good thing for Konoha that Tei had gone smoothly from permanently wired to permanently drunk, without a hint of sobriety in between. "So, now we have to go meet the new sensei."

"Can't we poke that Shikamaru guy some more?"

"No, Tei, we're busy now. Later."

* * *

Elsewhere in Konoha, jonin Burena Rimu hated his job.

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A/N In the next chapter, the team meets its sensei! Some Uchiha cameos and references to a rabid squirrel! 


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